Thank you for every lesson you’ve taught me. Thank you for the times I questioned my self-worth. Thank you for the times I waited hours for you to text/call back only to be blown off again. Thank you for the feelings of guilt for wanting answers. Thank you for the tears, sleepless nights, and countless times where I was left wondering “what are we“? Thank you for leading me on and wasting my time.
Ohhh my god, the weeks, months, and year(s) I’ve wasted on all of you. At first, you showed me that funny, charming, with a little mystery side. Obviously, I fell for it because some of you were cute and checked off “everything” I’d want in a man. Sooo we met, laughed, talked, and even made future plans. As time passed, you eventually threw in a dash of Jamaican jerk spice to keep things spiiiicaaaayyy. Taken aback I was like, “woooow! He must be having an awful day. There is no way someone can be this much of a trash human. He just has a rough exterior from his tumultuous past. He probably is still compassionate and romantic deep down”.
Though the deeper I dug, it turned out that you were even trashier. Just another sack of monkey shit that either wanted to sleep with me or keep me hooked for whatever reason. Damn, all the times I’ve spent playing Nancy Drew games finally came in handy. Case Of The Alluring Man: Mystery Solved! You’re not really mysterious, you’re just another fuckboy.
Just so we are clear, I could have been doing so many other productive things with my time than to be fed excuses. I am sure that doesn’t really make a difference to you though. Since you would tell me “I really like you, but I am not ready,” “school and work keep me really busy, but let’s schedule something” or ” I want to take it slow.” Your head is probably too far up your ass to see what a crack of bullshit that was. But maybe you might remember when you use to tell me I was “too sensitive”? “crazy”? No? How about when you told me I am “too clingy”? Ooo Oooo Oooo how about when I wasn’t supposed to label the relationship just yet or pressure you to commit to anything because getting to know someone is soooooo important.
Yet, somehow it was my fault when I tried to move on or talked to other guys?? How did I end up apologizing to you for shit? And making excuses for your shitty personality. And bending over backward to schedule my life around your web of lies. When that didn’t work, of course, you’d also bring it back to the complicated past as to why you can’t commit. Sighhhh, I wish I could tell younger me that your inability to commit is not a reflection of me. But silly me continued to be patient like a complete fool because I believed we could’ve had a future.
Holding on to the false hope and illusion of what I thought you could be. Using the memories of times, we did share together as justifications. You remember those- right? You know the ones where we laughed so hard our stomachs would hurt, sharing music, talking about our goals/ambitions, exploring different cities, or trying new foods. Using the short bursts, we’d spend together to remind me, “this is temporary.”
Oh, you charismatic, borderline narcissist, you. It took me a while (look, I was blinded by your charisma), but I finally learned that wanting my basic needs met wasn’t selfish. I realized that wanting effort, honesty, time, respect, and communication from your romantic (or potential) partner is not “clingy,” “desperate,” or “too sensitive.” It’s quite reasonable actually, ya dig? I knooooow ….. shocking, right???
The fact of the matter is that you were never meant to fit that bill. You don’t have the qualities, strength, nor the ability to rise up to those standards. I think it is a good thing that you inadequately hid your lies, didn’t commit, or made false promises because I could have wasted my entire life with you and I am glad I didn’t.
I wish I could say I regret the memories of meeting you, but I don’t. Honestly, I do have to admit that your existence isn’t totally useless. Now I know how to filter out the cheaters, liars, and the emotionally unavailable. Okay maybe it might have taken two or three (or four) fuckboys to fully grasp it, but how? Seriously, hooooow are there so many versions of heartless fuckboys out there? (Is there something about me that screams, “Please manipulate me???? Do I have some sort of aura? Or an invisible sign somewhere?).
You see, the universe has a comical way of sending certain people into our lives to make us, break us, or shake us up a little. Even if we meet for a day, a season, or a lifetime, it is always – most definitely – for a reason. Sometimes this reason is camouflaged as a painful event; however, if you look back, it was trying to teach you something.
How I deal with pain is up to me. As the old saying goes, “when something bad happens to you, you have three choices: you can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or let it strengthen you.”
I choose the latter.
Though you were wildly cruel to me, know that I hold no ill will towards you. I am rather appreciative. You made a massive impact on my life for better or worse. Each encounter has taught me something about myself, relationships, or life in general. You also helped me realize I deserve better.
FOR THAT, I THANK EACH OF YOU FOR TEACHING ME:
- That not everyone is honest and loyal
- To trust my gut
- To be a better person
- To not apologize when it is not my fault
- To stand up for me
- It’s okay to say NO!
- The value of setting boundaries
- It’s okay to walk away
- That I should value actions over words
- To love me
- To guard my heart
I realize there are so many better people out there for me. You all have changed me to become a better woman for myself. For that, I am forever grateful. With that I’ll say, I wish you nothing but the best in whatever it is you set out to do. I hope you a lifetime of wealth, health, happiness, and success. Good luck with everything!
That girl you once knew.
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