An action us single people are all too familiar with online dating. Laborious, maddening, annoying, and just overall draining. It’s already hard enough dating as millennial; add in online desi dating and WAAABAAAM! It’s like you’re looking for a needle in a haystack.
Whether you’re looking for something casual or the real deal apps like Tinder, DilMil (Desi Tinder), Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, OkCupid…or whatever else aim to make the process simpler. These apps have given me a lot of insight into my life and what it’s like dating as a desi, let alone a millennial.
Bee Tea Dubz, also a lifesaver in avoiding Kokila Aunty trying to set me up with the most eligible bachelor. Don’t roll your eyes at me…y’all got that one aunty that’s up your booty hole bout it.
Yet, I am somehow still single…..sigh
No joke, it feels like another full-time job, in hopes that fruits of your labor will end in a long-term position. Swiping through profiles, maintaining a conversation, and feeling them out in person. Ya’ dig? Making sure they aren’t a serial killer or someone that’s going to harvest my kidneys. My bad…lol that was a little too dark.
On the real though, ain’t nobody got time for that shit.
Not knowing where the opportunity will lead if it does, but you gotta go with it. On the bright side, you gain valuable experience in the meantime.
Now, I just turn my unfortunate situation into free entertainment for those in similar shoes. Indian or not. I may or not find my knight in shining armor anytime soon, but at least I have some pretty great stories to tell in the process.
Forgive me if I jump all over the place. I am going to try my best to explain complications of online dating culture as naturally as possible.
Buttttt Aanya they are all the same! It’s so simple!! You create a profile, upload a picture, write a witty bio, and match, match, match!
IT’S EASY PEASY, RIGHT?!
It is a little bit more convoluted than that. I can’t exactly put it into words so just read below I guess. Hopefully, it makes sense. If not then umm google more articles?
It’s imperative to understand the multifaceted issues with today’s dating culture. Well, for me, that is. Maybe you can relate?
Problem 1: Technology – The Modern Day Cupid!
Today, we have everything available with a simple click. Over the last few years or so, technology has paved the way to establish cyber relationships. Especially when you’re trying to balance your personal and professional lives. Meeting organically is slowly starting to become less of a norm.
Human interaction??? What? What the hell is that? What language you talking?
Technology aims to make connecting online “easier,” yet somewhere along the line, social etiquette started to dissipate. It is notorious for enabling false delusion of finding the “perfect soulmate.”
The problem is we’ve become so reliant on technology that we’ve forgotten what we really want. Nothing has changed aside from our entitled asses wanting “the perfect one.” The only difference is now technology does the work for us.
REALITY CHECK: there is no such thing as perfect. I nor you are going to find someone that checks all the boxes.
Hence, it feels like an uphill battle. When the hell did I get on the struggle bus?
Recently, I caught up with a few of my friends. They are single and actively searching for their boo thang on major dating platforms. We shared harrowing tales of receiving nonconsensual dick pics and sometimes harassing messages.
My friend told me she rarely messaged guys first to not seem “too interested.” She was baffled when I said I do. Apparently, if I messaged guys first then “they don’t do much of the work” or whatever. I told her how flawed that logic was. I don’t really buy into it. Hell, I don’t really care who messages who first.
THE JOKES ON ME CUZ THESE FOOLS LEFT ME ON READ AT TIMES
On the flip side, many conversations lacked substance and became draining. We shared stories where we went on awesome dates but lacked adequate communication. Or the ones that seem suavey over text/phone, but in-person chemistry doesn’t transpire. Then you have the gems that work 756362629 of us at the same time. Don’t know how they do it. I can barely keep up with one of their species.
Fun story for ya: This one time I matched with a guy on DilMil who was dating both my friend and me, even after he learned are pretty close. Oh, you smart little cookie you- thought you could get away with it didn’t ya? Needless to say, my friend and I both dropped his ass the moment we found out. Funny thing is he still tried to convince us to give it another shot.
UHHHHHH I DON’T THINK SO BUDDY…
Don’t like what you see? Swipe left or simply un-match. Better yet, just ghost em. If that doesn’t stop DELETE & BLOCK.
You’re not expected to or entitled to owe anyone anything. No harm no foul- Thanks to the hundreds of options on these apps. As it was to swipe right, it is just as easy to say NEEEEEEEEXT.
There’s no denying there’s a moment of “Ouch!” when that happens—not so much the bikini wax excruciating, “why am I doing this to myself” moment, but more like lemon juice getting into a fresh cut — it stings but hey you forget about it. Yet, you’re still left pondering, “what did I do to deserve that?” If only it could be like the simpler times when one would make a genuine effort to build the foundation of a relationship. Sadly, that’s becoming less and less of an option now.
You’d think that technology made things easier, right? Or has it become more difficult? I mean you’re up against women/men all over the world wanting the same exact something. What makes you or I any different from thousands and thousands of profiles?
THAT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION. DON’T ANSWER THAT.
Nothing, literally nothing! It is because our entitled asses want anything and everything right off the bat, and anyone that doesn’t fit the bill is automatically rejected. Primarily due to having unlimited options at our fingertips with a single swipe. Shawty you can literally have whatever you like!
2AM drunk food? YAAAAAAS, PLEASE! I will take 2 extra-large pizzas and cheese fries. THAAAAAANK YOU, UBER EATS!
Problem 2- Reality Of Online Dating Culture!
- Cringy Dick up lines- The audacity of some men online is beyond my comprehension. The level of thirst and stupidity by these fuckholes blows my mind. It is both good and bad. These are the “men” that don’t make it past the pool of filth or sometimes do. Little did I know these are wolves in sheep’s clothing. These fuckers end up doing or saying some stupid shit that flares up at some point
Allow me to edumacate you. Here let’s look at the contenders:
And well, you get the idea. There are lots of morons out there.
That’s my biggest problem with online dating; the lack of social etiquette.
If any fuckboys out there are reading this, please tell me what goes through your head when sending this shit. Do you really think this would elicit an appropriate response?
Dick Up Lines 101- DON’T. JUST DON’T. It is so simple. That is it! That is all you gotta do, and you’re going to move onto the next round. You are automatically going to better than half of the male dating population. It is sad but so true. The bar is set really low, unfortunately. So low that you won’t be able to win a limbo competition….unless you’re a silver surfer. Soooo ya’ know? Just put in a little bit of effort, and you’re going to be the fish I choose. Seriously, it’s not hard to get my attention.
It is this level of stupidity that deter me from dating in general. I mean it’s fine if there is a fluke once in awhile. It is messages like these that exhaust me. I just can’t deal. Then I start to shut down, don’t want to respond, or go on a dating hiatus. So, the next guy thinks I am standoffish or closed off. I know it makes it twice as hard for them, but what do you want me to do? I am so fucking exhausted. I rather just be single forever honestly.
Sure, some of I may seem entitled, or I stop putting in so much effort as we did before.
I am not going to apologize for being unapologetically me when I blow my top. This is ONE OF THE BIGGEST REASONS shit gets more difficult as time progresses. You know what? Neither of us is to blame. But I am going to blame these fuckholes more than I blame myself or fellow sisters.
Hey you! Yeah, you. The douche leaking stupid juice…. here is a word of advice:
- Quench your thirst with water…not sending a desperate sext- If you did not send creepy sexts then I’d be more inclined to meet or give it a fair shot. I’d feel less like a piece of meat and more comfortable. Maybe don’t say shit like: “Can I lick your feet?”, “your body is not slim, it’s curvy,” “Can I shave your p****,” ” hey slut” and so forth.
- If the “nice guys” would step up and own up to their feelings- Seriously, I don’t know what annoys me more; men that send sexts or these “nice guys” that can’t just tell me how they feel. I don’t have a problem having “the talk,” but there has to be a give and take here. Stop getting scared at the thought of the slightest bit of commitment. If you don’t want it, then leave me the fuck alone. I don’t get time for this shit.
- DON’T SEND DICK PICS- You dick does not look flattering. It just doesn’t from any angle. Sorry to break it to ya. Don’t send it comparing to another object. Don’t send side angles or any view. Just don’t send them. It will do more harm than good. I DID NOT CONSENT TO UNSOLICITED DICK PICS.
It is going to be a complete waste of time. Instead, just start off with something casual. If you can’t then do what yo momma taught you growing up- “if you don’t have something nice to say, then don’t say it at all.” This way, I don’t have to put up with shit quality idiots of your gender.
AND MAYBE JUST MAAAAAAAYBE…. you might even get a response from me.
- It can be confusing to read signals – Sometimes, I find myself struggling to read between the lines, especially when I really like them. I somehow become awkward as fuck with them. Forgetting how to flirt or saying something that I shouldn’t have said. I blame my sarcasm for that one though. I somehow forget how to flirt, read too much into it where it leads me to err on the side of caution and assume that I shouldn’t. I can help my friends flirt or be witty, yet when it comes to myself, I turn into an awkward turtle.
- People are quick to find flaws – The older I get, the harder it becomes to date someone just for the sake of it. Been there. Done that. At this stage in my life, I don’t want to date someone that I don’t see anything fruitful with. This can make it waaaaay too easy to nitpick, probably unfairly.
- Dating pool gets smaller and smaller the older you get- I’ve tried to meet people organically to see if that would help. Still, most often than not, almost every man is either in a relationship, engaged, or not looking for anything serious. Sometimes I meet people who are great but don’t seem to reply to texts or answer their phones. I mean like either they don’t like talking on the phone, they might just not be ready for that, or whatever else. Then with texts, it’s like you can respond at your own leisure. It could be because they are in communication with others. They just aren’t into you, have other priorities, or they simply just suck at communication. Some end up canceling, don’t respond to upcoming plans, or stand you up. Some that I’ve gone on dates with end up being “busy” so it’s hard to even see them frequently. But of course, you can’t say anything because you may not be at a place to call it out. TRUST ME, I’VE DONE THAT. IT DOES NOT END PRETTY.
- Ghosting is normal and extremely discouraging – one of the biggest cons of online dating is GHOSTING. Sometimes you may have set plans to meet up. Then out of nowhere, they just stop responding or better yet when you’ve had a couple dates, and they randomly disappear. DAFAQ?? Boy, if you ain’t about it then just tell me. I am a big girl; I can take it. It’s immature and downright cowardly. If I wanted someone like that, then I’d date COURAGE THE COWARDLY DOG, but I am not into bestiality. Actually nvm, he is gutsier than most of the fools I’ve encountered. Sorry, Courage- you Gucci booboo. Unfortunately, that’s just how online dating works. I FUCKING HATE IT WITH A PASSION.
Here is a snippet of a text exchange I had:
Me: “Hey, are we still on for lunch?”
Boy:“Yeah, let’s do 12:30 instead though”
Me: “No worries. I can make that work. Any idea on where to go?”
** Noon rolls around, and I still haven’t heard from this idiot. I texted again to make sure. They don’t respond until like 230. Like wtf just say no lmao. So rude and incredibly disrespectful of my time. He never responded after I called him out on his BS.***
- Establishing a connection can be tricky – I literally sat here for 15 minutes trying to formulate this sentence. I think I’ve hit a point where I am just indifferent now. Like a fucking brick wall with little to no emotions. I try not to share much of my interests. Keep conversations superficial. Not saying I can’t hold a conversation, yet I am always wary of what, how, and when to say it. I AM NOT OVERTHINKING THIS. IT MATTERS…TRUST ME. I am often scared that I might say the wrong thing to scare them away or turn them off. I am not afraid to speak my mind or call people out, and maybe that is my problem. I am baffled at times on how people define “connection” or what it means to “be right for each other.” Perhaps my thoughts are too old school for it.
- Having specific dating criteria can limit your options- My dating criteria is literally a double-edged sword. At times it’s helpful to know what I want. Other time it limits my options. Single men of my taste are rare. If I find someone then of course, somehow it ends up not working out for whatever reason. Read Problem 3 – Filters On Filters On Filters On Filters for an in-depth explanation.
Is there a build-A-boyfriend option or something? At this point, I’d take a stork delivery for it. LOL, your girl isn’t that delusional. Though to be fair, I have hope that it can happen-maybe in year 3000.
- Rejection over and over again can take a mental toll-Sometimes you find someone that you really like, and then you get your soul crushed because they JUST ARE NOT THAT INTO YOU. Often leads you to start wondering if there is something wrong with you. Believe me, I’ve felt a little off balance when guys have told me that they don’t feel the same. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my thoughts trying to figure out what went wrong. I end up blaming myself with the shoulda/coulda/woulda. At times, my self-esteem is that of a potato, but then I remember what my man Barney Stinson once told me. Yes, rejection sucks, but it is not the end…I guess. An end is not a failure; neither is it a negative reflection of me(you). Just another chance to find someone I’m more compatible with.
- Defining labels is confusing – The hookup and dating culture has made it difficult to define the relationship (DTR). There’s no clarity about what “dating” actually means. For some, it’s a long-term relationship, for others it’s not, and for others, yet, it’s somewhere in between. Then for some, it’s just a casual FWB relationship. It is also difficult to gauge at what stage you should bring something up without risking the possibility of shit hitting the fan. The timeline varies from person to person on DTR. The hard part is figuring out if our expectations align. I’ve run into issues where I’ve said it right off the bat and other times I’ve played it out.
Needless to say…I AM STILL SINGLE. LOLOLOL!!! If you’re wondering if there is a right or wrong way to bring up DTR –THERE IS NOT. Just have to take a gamble. At some point, the “what are we conversation?” is essential. It’s unavoidable. Even if you have a hunch that of being on the same page( i.e., ” I love you” came before we DTR 3 years later with the man I was supposed to marry). Hey, some couples are different #noshame. Either way, this can be a quick or short convo. It can end in a relationship or just die altogether. The lines of DTR are slowly becoming blurred even further, with each new advent impeding the latest conventions and pioneering new results.
Someone contact Merriam Webster and let me know they need to update the dictionary definition of relationship labels. Never realized that there would be such a strong meaning in swiping. Then again, the logistics of finding bae can’t get more straightforward, so why is online dating still so complicated?
- Overthinking can lead to overreacting- Sometimes, I let my past experiences dictate how I react to situations. I overanalyze and overthink situations. This leads to doing some damage control or them thinking, “I’m insane.” Ending in them ghosting or losing interesting. Then the shitty sucky feelings kick in. The necessary action of putting myself back out there. In other words, I NEED TO FUCKING CHILL SOMETIMES. I BLAME MY DAMN ANXIETY…UGH! UNCERTAINTY KILLS YA’LL. There are times when I can check myself, and there are times when I am quick to react. SiiiIIIIGH.
- Family and friends think you are a serial dater- With the number of insane stories I’ve told my lovely peeps, they often fail to understand how difficult it is. They make comments like ” I can’t keep up with you” or “you’re guy hopping.” Like whaaaaaat? Pick a side people -____-. One side you say you want me to get out there and on the other, you say I’m a serial dater. How do you want me to find someone if I don’t go out?
I think the problem is they have been out of the dating scene for so long that they don’t realize it is not that damn easy. I’m at a stage where I don’t even think I am going on a date. Apparently, that seems like I am a serial dater….mehhh. I think of it like a networking opportunity or a business meeting. No point in giving time and energy for useless things that may not go anywhere. Not to sound egotistical or anything but if I agree to set some time aside to meet up or keep a consistent conversation with you, then it is kind of a big deal. The older I get, the less time I have in my schedule to fuck around. I am no longer interested in just “exploring my options.” If I talk to them or go on a date, it is because I am genuinely interested in seeing if it can lead to something more. I’ve accepted that this is the reality for me (you) nowadays. It comes with the territory.
Another component of dating are the filters. I’ve touched on this in Struggles of South Asian Dating. Read it or just carry on here…not gonna tell ya what to do cuz I ain’t yo momma
WARNING: this can also apply to non- South Asian peeps. However, I feel filters have a **heavy, and I mean HEAVY** influence on us. It can make or break for some of us.
Remember, this is before seeing, let alone talking to, potential matches.
Problem 3– FILTERS ON FILTERS ON FILTERS ON FILTERS!
One of the few things that set Indian dating apps apart from your mainstream apps is FILTERS. There are a shit-ton of filters: religion, caste, language, parental consent, education, community…etc. It is already difficult trying to connect with a complete stranger virtually, but now you’ve got specific limitations and criteria that make it even more challenging to find Mr. Right.
On the one hand, this approach helps narrow down options and requires individuals to be forthright about all they have to offer. Valuing your own identity and personal beliefs play a crucial role in seeking someone like-minded.
I realize for some it is not as important and perhaps that’s why they are married with children already. For some reason, I can’t seem to budge on my filters, or maybe I just don’t want to. Believe me, I’ve tried- Read Desi Boyz Only if you’re curious about why. As I created profile after profile, it became apparent just how many deal-breakers potential matches were up against.
IDK I guess…I have a love-hate relationship with filters for that reason. I can’t blame someone for having a screen when I have my own. Sure, filters are excellent in identifying deal-breakers and not wasting each other’s time. Everything comes at its own price.
My main argument is filters or not- ONLINE DATING SUCKS BIG MONKEY BALLS sometimes.
The problem I’ve faced is when I’ve been lead on, or these filters are the basis of their entire foundation. If this was so important then why the fuck did you waste X months of my time? Telling me that it can work or you’re open to exploring whatever we have going on. Though I can’t really be too mad because I am guilty of it also. It’s like there is little to no room for deviation.
I’ve given excuses like “I can’t date you because you’re not a vegetarian” and I’ve heard shit like “I can’t be with you because your family is not as affluent.”In other words, I’ve listened to it all for the most part.
Here is short Coffee Meets Bagel story for you:
A couple years ago, I went on some wonderful dates with a Mr. Mehta only to be ghosted with NO EXPLANATION. One day, I casually brought it up and heard the most bullshit excuse “I want to take things slow….getting to know someone is so important.” Since we had already discussed our past relationships. It seemed like a valid reason or so I thought. So I remained patient and continued to talk to him.
COME TO FIND OUT HOMEBOY WAS KEEPING ME ON THE BACK BURNER WHILE HE HAD STARTED A NEW RELATIONSHIP FOR 2 FUCKING MONTHS. TWO MONTHS FUCKING MONTHS.
I am sure you can imagine my disappointment when he hit me with that “I don’t think we are right for each other” bullshit. Sure, I was disappointed given he fell in line with my filters, we had great chemistry, and he was what I call “mom gold.” Ya’know what I mean…that sweet good-boy that all moms would love. Truthfully, I think I was more disappointed by the fact that he wasn’t straight with me than it not working out.
Oh goooody, back to square one! -_________________-
To The Left, To The Left
**INSERT THE WORLD’S BIGGEST GROAN**
I re-downloaded most of my apps. Found myself singing “Irreplaceable” as I swiped from profile to profile. Switching between apps. Trying to remember who I spoke with, from where, and what I told them. Trust me, it’s not that easy. Like I said, it is literally like a full-time job!!!
PRO-TIP: Online dating is much like online shopping, except you’re shopping for Mr.Right and vice versa.
It’s all about selling yourself. Almost like an elevator pitch to grab the viewer’s attention. The initial glance at your profile or match request is your FIRST/ONLY shot to make an impression.
Here is another short story for you ft. OkCupid:
OkCupid: An app just like any other geared towards finding your mate. I noticed that the same “type” of men had made their way to these sites as well. Much to my dismay, most of my “matches” ended up being men with thick Indian accents who still adhere to outdated marriage ideals. You’d think more “Americanized” apps would weed out the traditionalists or recent transplants from India.
After dealing with them on Shaadi.com, I figured OkCupid would be a nice break from these individuals. BOOOOOOOOOOY WAS I WRONG! It’s crazy how some people lack social awareness on how to approach your potential interest. Let alone start with a less aggressive conversation opener.
Perhaps I am asking for too much here. WHO THE FUCK KNOWS?
Anyways, I received an email from this one man who opened with “I liked ur profile. My WhatsApp no. ***-***-****. Ur contact no. Pls M M luking for something permanent to stay in US. M willing to relocate. Pls also send bio-data then we can seek further information.”
No name or introduction. Just straight here is my number give me yours. Who the hell talks to another human like that? See what I mean when I say people lack social awareness? I mean this is just one of many examples.
Immediately, I wanted to respond with, “I am not applying for a job that I will send you my bio-data. I also don’t appreciate you being so aggressive and demanding my information,” but of course, I decided to be careful about it and just say ” I am not interested.”
All things considered, I did meet a lovely man off match.com. He was picture perfect( Indian, Jain, tall, athletic, attractive, and smart) on paper, that is. We connected instantly and began texting, calling, and video-chatting all the time. Everything seemed so perfect until he started to show his true colors 2 months in.
He would give me silent treatment if I said I was busy working or studying, guilt me for wanting to spend time with someone other than him, and accuse me of “messing with” other men. The best one is when he told me that “my family should be a second priority and they need to butt out of my love life. My relationship with them is the reason I am still single.”
WHAT THE FUCK KINDA BULLSHIT IS THAT LOGIC?
Word of advice, anyone man or women that can’t accept your relationship with your family, is NOT worth your time, energy, or effort. Your family and friends don’t deserve to be pushed away for a person who may or may not be a permanent figure in your life. Even if they are stable figures, they should not put you in a position where you have to choose.
Needless to say, I told him I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t accept my family lifestyle, values, and morals.
Although dating apps are the standard method of meeting your forever type of person, it is not the only way. Neither is it always a pleasant experience. Yet, these apps do deliver on matching you with some great candidates quickly. That is until they reveal their fuckery.
Unfortunately, there is no direct setting to “filter all the fuckboys.”
So, I’ll just have to suffer like the rest and swipe through online or biodata matches. I guess one thing that would be helpful is if Kokila Aunty didn’t expect love to happen within 2 minutes. Let’s be real here that is NOT LOVE. IT IS LUST. WAAAIT, NO IT’S STUPIDITY!
Also, who the fuck looks at someone and is like yeah, I wanna get all up on that within 2 minutes? But then again, I say that too when I see Bradley Cooper so nevermind.
Yeah not getting the results sucks monkey balls. However, it is helpful to remember dating has always been challenging cuz we homo sapiens are complicated. More specifically neanderthals we call men are. Yeah, yeah, yeah… I’m just sexist right now, I know.
Whether it is a match through mainstream apps, matrimony sites, or your fam bam’s biodata suggestion- determining if they are the “right” one with limited interaction is not enough. Getting to know someone is so important before making big life decisions. Dating requires patience, persistence, compromise, and communication. Yeah, technology might match us to future bae, but it can’t do much more.
That is why online dating is so damn hard and fucking frustrating. Cuz you are forced to jump through hoops and hurdles. Hell if I knew that I would have trained for the Olympics. Who knows ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ maybe I could have been a gold medalist.
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